Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Winter is often the worst for my depression and this winter has been no exception.  Throw in the changes at home with Dan working overnights and beginning to homeschool the boys, and it's been a whirlwind.  While I try to accept that this is an illness that I live with, I often get caught up in the side effects of my depression and begin to beat myself up.  

My home looks like a tornado (or 2 or 3) have gone through it and the dishes and laundry are piling up.  When the doorbell rings I panic and my first thought is to pretend I'm not home.  It's not that I don't want to see people, because I do, but I don't want people to see my home like this.  To see me like this.  

Every day, there is a battle inside me and I yell and scream at myself to do the things that I know need to be done, but my body doesn't respond.  And those times that I do find some energy and motivation, I have to decide what needs my attention the most.  But most of the time, trying to make that decision is so overwhelming that I'm stuck unable to do anything.

Is this the life that I want for me and my family?  Not at all!  I grew up with a mom with depression and it's the last thing that I want for my boys.  But I have realized lately that despite my own mom's depression, I lacked nothing.  I have tried to think back if our house was messy or clean growing up and I don't remember.  Did my mom cook meals?  I remember my few favorite meals, but beyond that...I don't remember.  What I do remember is the cuddles, the talks, the encouragement and support.  Was she a perfect mom?  No.  Did she make mistakes and hurt me?  Yes.  But I knew then and I know now how much she loved me.  And I know that my boys will not lack anything either, despite having a mom with depression.

No comments:

Post a Comment